Although I’ve been terrible at blogging consistently, the few ramblings I’ve published have caused some interesting stats to crop up in my Google Analytics account. Now I proudly (or ashamedly, in some cases) present to you: Google search terms that bring you to the website of yours truly.

 1) “Injured diaphragm” [links here] Apparently more people than myself have diaphragm issues, and there aren’t many other websites out there with anything informative to say about it. I will take this time, then, to warmly reassure all of you visitors with diaphragm pains: YOU AND I ARE GOING TO DIE BECAUSE NO DOCTORS ARE MAKING USEFUL WEBSITES ABOUT DIAPHRAGM PAIN!!! The internet brings you here, but I have no solution.

Other search examples include: pain in diaphragm, sprained diaphragm, strained diaphragm, pain below diaphragm, diaphragm sharp pain, dull diaphragm pain, how can i injure my diaphragm, pain behind rib cage, etc. Now, to the guy searching for “how can i injure my diaphragm,” I don’t want to know…

2) “Optimum change to carry in wallet” [links here] Aha! Other people are just as weird and nerdy as me, too! Thought I was the only one, eh? Well I’m glad my two-post series is able to reveal the solution to so many people concerned with this practical issue. Also searched: optimal pocket change, what is the perfect amount of change to carry around in your pocket, etc.

3)  “Clown trash cans” and “designer trash cans” [links here] Okay, first of all, I was not sure what a clown trash can was. Then I googled it. Do NOT view this video alone at night in the dark. You have been warned!! [YouTube] Secondly, if you’re into designer trash cans, you need a new hobby.

4) “Doreen Szeto wedding” [links here] I understand how this shows up as a search result. What gets me is that people are googling her wedding. Is that the new trend? Can I google “James Szeto wedding” and find out who I’m going to marry?

5) “We need to DTR” [links here] Is it scary that I’m on page 1 on the search results for this? I don’t know if this series of posts was an entertaining satire or a public disservice, really. Maybe I should post my serious Sunday school lesson on dating next. If you’ve come to my blog for dating advice, you’re no better off than all the poor people with diaphragm pain.

6) “Pantsed in public” [links here] All the weird fetish/voyeur people looking to get your kicks at my website, you’ve come to the wrong place. And if I ever really did get pantsed in public, you would go blind from the shimmering white sheen that is my milky thighs. So be thankful.

7) “What James Szeto eats” [links here] Okay, umm. Let me tell you something. Google is great and all, but it doesn’t know everything. I fear the day when someone can type “what underwear is James Szeto wearing right now” and Google returns not only the style and color, but the price, location and date of purchase, and usage statistics (e.g. “last washed: Christmas 2003″).

So, to answer your question, what do I eat? I eat just about anything that’s bad for you. The worse, the better.