[This is a classic jszeto journal entry from my college blog. In light of Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d repost part of the most popular series of posts I ever wrote. I may not agree with everything I said at the time, but it sure still is entertaining! Originally posted Monday, February 13th, 2006. Content slightly edited. Click here for Part I: The DTR, Part I]

The DTR can be a very traumatic thing, or so I’ve heard. Other traumatic things in life include

• falling into dog poop
• getting pantsed in public
• having your face burned off in a fire
• witnessing a beheading
• watching old people make out

To some men, these things are small potatoes compared to having to DTR. If Boy were convicted of treason, and the judge gave him the choice between gouging his eyes out or DTRing with Girl, Boy would say “Hand me the spoon!”

Well, Boy, I have good news for you. Using my method, the DTR (for “just friends,” prior to dating) becomes quick, easy, and relatively painless.

Basically, it involves a scale from 0-100.

0 = Platonic, no interest
100 = I’m going to ask you out with my next breath

On the basis of theis scale, the DTR becomes a quick process of negotiation.

Boy: Hi, Girl.
Girl: Hi, Boy.
Boy: I’m feeling a 75.
Girl: 75?! More like 50.
Boy: Ouch. Seriously? I’ll try to tone down to 65 then.
Girl: Well, maybe 55.
Boy: 60’s my final offer.
Girl: Fine, 60, but you gotta step it up.
Boy: I will.

Thus they know exactly where each other stands; even if they both had to cede some ground, it’s not as nasty as it could have been, and often is.

Now, this method can and should be used for any friendship. After all, even in the most friendly friendships, a lack of communication results in surprise and heartbreak. For example, say Boy is a good but lonely guy. Girl is his very good, platonic friend. Girl is a nice girl, so Boy reads into her niceness as signs of affection, when she really has no feelings for him. One day,

Boy: 98!!!
Girl: WHAT?!?!?! 32…

…and she runs off crying and tells all her friends, and the relationship is ruined forever. This is because Boy and Girl allowed the gap to grow over time (without each consulting the other) to an inappropriate size, and with a 66-point deficit Girl was in for quite the shock. Unfortunately, I’ve seen this happen very often.

On the other hand, if my system is used to define all friendships often and accurately, the smallest discrepencies can be caught at the beginning, early on before all is lost.

Boy: Want to study together?
Girl: Yeah, but we’re still just 15 right?
Boy: Naturally.
Girl: Great, I’ll bring the Cheez-Its.